.my bad fortune.

Since this was on last night in New York, I though I'd post one of the best moments in Seinfeld history from the "Subway" episode. And I'm not one of those freaky Seinfeld people either. Elaine's inner monologue on her way to a wedding and the train stops:

Elaine: Oh this is great this is what I need, just what I need. OK take it easy. I'm sure it's nothing, probably rats on the track. They're stopping for rats! God it's so crowded. How could there be so many people? This guy really smells. Doesen't anyone use deodorant in this city? What is so hard? You take a cap off and roll it on.

What's that? I feel something rubbing against me. These disgusting animals, these people should be in a cage! We are in a cage! What If I miss the wedding?, I got the ring What'll they do?, You can't get married without a ring. Oh god I can't breathe! I feel faint. OK take it easy It'll start moving soon. Think about people in concentration camps. What they went through, and the hostages! What would you do if you were a hostage? Think about that! This is nothing. No it's not nothing it's something, it's a nightmare help me!, Move it come on! Move this Fucking thing!

Why couldn't I take a cab? For 6$ my whole life could have changed. What is that on my leg!? I'm never gonna get out of here. What if I'm here for the rest of my life? Maybe I'll get out in 5 seconds, one banana, two banana, three banana, four banana, five banana...no I'm still here! Still here! When will they start moving? Move!,move!,move! (train moves) It's moving!, it's moving! Yes! Yes! (train stops) MOTHERFUCKER!.

.some bird of paradise.

Taken from the amazing MAO:
Please give if you can and support the arts!

.and i feel like.

Just in case you forgot:
The best news story of the year.

.just what it was worth.

It's going to be one of those days.
Isn't it?

I woke up and there was
no
winterwonderland
as promise
by all weathermen in new york.

I couldn't get up.

I left early to deposit my paycheck.
I sat down on a bench in the station.
To read my book.
I hear bad 90s dance music and look up
To see who was listening to it.
And
I looked up to see a man,
Masturbating
In front of me.

If I had a hardback book
I would have taken it
and swung with all my energy at his crotch.

But the train came (no pun necessary).
And I burried my nose in my book
(1984)
And realized it was going to be one of those day.

Jesus fucking Christ.

.and the meaning.

and i though
a weird bratty kid living
next door
was
bad.

someone
on my floor just got a new
dog.puppies.whatever.
and said whatever
has been howling
all day
sometimes causing
a chain reaction
of howls.

literally.
none stop.

can i have that weird little
brat,
who leaves lists
that are unfinished
under my door,
back?

my guilt
of the poor puppy subject
is being outnumbered by my hangover.

.time travel.

Ugh.
Producers!
Give up.
You're fucked without the
writers.
Give them a break.
And give us back
The Daily Show
and
The Colbert Report.

You can keep Leno.

.talking about.

(subtitled: SUBWAY GONE MAD!)



So, every one in New York has laughed at and then felt awful has seen this video. It's by an aspiring filmmaker but not staged (I believe this, others doubt it) and features a gang of really, really annoying girls attacking a random guy.
Watch.
And love.
And feel bad for loving.

Also....
The A,C,E,B,D,F and V trains are running.
very
very
slow.
As I waited in the parked F train
the whole car gawked at the medical team coming into a stopped B train which had been evacuated.
People love accidents.
It gives us an excuse to say
I was there!
And tell our story.
over
and over
again.

Gotta love it.

.just what i could do.

(subtitled: a review)

So I just got back from the Banksy show at the Vanina Holasek Gallery (on the same block as Aperture, of course). Today was also the first real snow in the city and it was still coming down as I headed out for the show.

What opening is 1-5 on a Sunday?

Anyways. It's snowy and cold and I get there (it's a very small gallery in an old three story townhouse, a great, different space) at about 1:10 and there is already a line down the block. Apparently the gallery can't hold more than 111 people at once and everyone had to move up and down the stairs in shifts.
The wait wasn't long and the people behind me were hilarious and I should have said something but I thought it to be rude. Oh well.

As for the show.

I didn't like it.
Not at all.
I thought I would. I love Banksy and his "work" (he is the artist of this generation that makes all sorta of people ask that horrid question, "is it art?") but it does not belong in a gallery. It looked completely out of place, like a hobo in a business suit at the beach.
The gallery was "destroyed" which meant candles, smiley face night lights, Christmas lights in wastebaskets (what was that?) and pink paint splatter all over the wall to resemble (?) the drips of graffiti. I guess. His work which is usually spray painted all over Britain seemed to defy its purpose carefully printed and framed (on this splatter wall). I understand the contrast of these two but the execution was incomplete.

For those who have no idea who Banksy is, there is some great material on him and his work, especially since there are little (if any?) appearances of his work in America. His stencils are commentary on the currently climate of unrest, unemployment, royalty worshiping/hating in Britain. It reminds the viewer that the Thatcher-ism that plagued the nation in the 80s is still in effect today.

In Banksy's world Princess Di is on the pound note, the Queen is a monkey and Winston Churchill has a mowhawk (this one was new to me and I felt it was just a stretch for him). It also deals with the brands and companies that are dominating Britain, especially Tesco who, to my knowledge, doesn't really have an American equivalent (the closet I guess would be a large Costco or Walmart). He now plays with Warhol imagery and places it in a dim, modern context. Which, as being bias toward the side of the fence that hates Warhol, I didn't like at all.

Banksy is best when he's on the street. Playing with the environment he's graffiting on (see picture). His earlier rats played on British politics and classism that was effective and also interesting aesthetically. He created controversy by spraying anything and anywhere making the public question more what is was about rather than if it was art. The only thing people seem to interested in now is how much (for Christ's sake Angelina Jolie bought a works by him, ugly ones at that) and what he actually looks like and who he is (actually that's been answered but I don't know what the next step is). I was really looking forward to the opening, hoping it would be chaos and tagging going on all over the place. But it was like any other art opening, where people came to talk to each other and shuffle by the art in a line.

So, thats my review and if any New Yorkers are reading this you should check it out and report back to me. I'm trying to answer my own question if its genius in its unabashed candidness or corny beyond reason.

And also, if you're a British ex-pat, don't worry all your fellow countrymen/women are at that show, I was one of maybe 12 Americans. You should feel at home (?).

.you showed me.

and then there is this,
the best rant about housing in new york

.hungover.

(I don't know
why
the last post is so very small)

But this
(this right here - it's a link dumbasses)
is what should be
on the subway.

.in chinatown.

subway rules and, of course, rants. part one:

* Men, I don't care if its sexist or whatever, give up your seat for me or any other woman who comes on. I've been wearing insane shoes all day (wedges with the base less than 1/2 an inch) and I want to fucking sit down. Men, no matter what you think, you're shoes are not uncomfortable. Mine are. Move it.

* Anyone over 300 lbs. shouldn't really take the subway. It's a lot of stairs - take the bus. I don't care. I'm not a skinny mini, but you people take up why too much space and when you huff and puff up the stairs I feel bad. Really, really bad. But angry. Mostly angry.

* If you can take the V train, take it. Get the fuck off the F train.

* Guys: don't flirt/hit on/whatever with girls. It's fucking gross but mostly annoying. Life doesn't work that way; except for that guy with the weird hair and the rose cheeked Aussie (cynic me says: give them a month but romantic me says: how cute, I hope they make it). Just because you are listening to Barry White on full blast on your headphones doesn't mean you're romantic. I had to sit next to a nice girl and the guy facing her wouldn't leave her alone. She was polite but had to get off at the next stop and get on the next car. Screw you guys.

* Mariachi bands - you are not welcome. Why are they always so small?

* You are so not allowed to open your bags and put out an entire meal out and eat it like you're at home. What is that? Why?

* Don't sit with your legs stretched out when it's packed - that is so not cool

* Don't sit with your legs open wide taking up essentially two seats - that is so not cool.

* Morning: I'm sleepy, I don't want to be awake. Night: fuck you I fucking hate you.

* You know what's easier than reading a book? Reading a book without your fucking sunglasses on. What the fuck is that? Am I suppose to be impressed? Or think you're a celebrity? I don't think they take the '2'. I hate you. I really do.

* Don't sit at the seat under the map! People lean over you and its really annoying. People should just buy one of those credit card sized maps or the ones that you can put on your iPod.

* Guys (again): If a girl is sitting and you're standing - face away. Do not put your crotch in my face. It's gross but there is no where else to look and I will look at your crotch. Not because I think you're gosh so handsome with your sweat covered shirt and hair coming out of every angle but I wish I weren't look at your and your crotch. Ew!

* Take your backpack off! For the love of fucking god! It's taking up so much room and know where there's room to put it, on the floor. You know where legs which are, in general, much thinner than people's shoulder's span. Why are there so many people walking around that look like they're hiking? Where are you hiking? Why don't I know about this?

* Family of southern hick idiots. Just don't go on the subway. I hate you. Everyone hates you with your 'I Heart New York' shirts.

* Move to the center of the train! What's wrong with you people?!?! Move!

* Let people off the train! Can you not hear the conductor? Are you the rudest human being on the planet? You're not getting a seat anyways so just stop it.

* It was me who farted. Get over it.

* Don't go on the subway with your coffee. If need to explain that than you're a lost cause.

* Mind the gap. Really.

* If you just got through the turntables and hear the train coming in; you won't make it so don't push past me to try and get it. I would trip you if the fall was bigger but at that distance there wouldn't really be much damage.

* Don't get to the surface and stand their like a fish out of water. Move. Okay, so you don't know where you're going but I do so get out of my way!

* If a train comes in packed you should get on it and push and push until you do. You know why? Because there is a train directly behind the one you're pushing onto and that one is empty and therefor, more room for me. Hooray! I win!

* Don't ask because, yes, that is urine.


I'll think of more but I'm usually too angry to remember. God damn MTA. Fucking $2 a ride. Uuuuugggghhhh. And the only other way to get to work is the M23 which is slower than a chicken! No really! It is!

.and I was really in love.

Why does every song tell me to dance?
I do not wish to dance. I wish sit here and
calmly
listen to this song.

Thank you.

.looked into your eyes.

this post
old news in new york

the surveillance images
of the preppy killer
in his newest
blunder

jackass.
"tiny girl raped me in central park"
biggest douche
of new york

and that takes a lot

but these photos
are great
the pairing of them
is genius
great composition

don't you think?

.five in the morning.

Good news children.
Celebrate for one more year.
And a year after that.
Will every year be the last?
(another chance to be in the
mermaid parade)
Hooray!

.your boy's smile.

Dear F Train:

everyone hates you.
everyone.

people who have lived here
for weeks
or
for decades.

i failed you on your report card.
and i enjoyed every moment of it.

i hate you so much.
(yet i need you everyday)
fuck you.

-me

.have done it with you.

has anyone
noticed
that
Andy Samberg
can do or say whatever he wants
now.

i think most of his stuff is
pretty funny.

but he seems so
fucking smug.

i think i would
punch him in the face
if i ever saw him eating on the street.

no hard feelings or anything.
i just would.
just...cause.

.but i'd rather.

or subtitled: why gossip girl is the best new york show, ever.

- The only areas in manhattan are apparently Upper East Side and "downtown"

- The completely non-sense reasoning behind the character's actions (dad's gay so I'm a bitch)

- The "poor" family lives in "brooklynville"

- But they live (I think) above the gallery the dad owns called Bedford Avenue Gallery

- Dad says he's sorry for his lack of money but the cost of living in that area and owning an amazing loft apartment is much more than the private school education that he's providing for his two teens

- Though with their weird timeline he would have been like 15 when he had the eldest teen

- The fact that the gothamist covers it with each episode.

- The fact that the Gothamist exposed that the bitchy girl's party was actually shot in LIC (Long Island City, Queens). Like, ewwww, Queens.

- Lonely boy Dan looks my age (and imdb check says....yes! he's only a year younger than myself)

- Suicidal brother is the only one who looks the correct age (and imdb check says...yes! he's actually 17)

- Suicidal brother is in a rehab center that always someone to easily sneak him and take him to marquee (non-ny-ers: infamously obnoxious club that has standards of entry beyond comprehension - it is also mentioned in ugly betty for being the scene of a car crash involving a donatella versace-esq woman or the worst place to take anyone straight out of rehab, the lindasy lohan effect)

- There are "uniforms" at this private school they go to which translate into any sort of variation of trendy woman/mens wear. Example: Serena wears knee high riding boots, grey shorts, a white tank top, a sort of flimsy vest and a loose tie while others may wear a gwen stefani version of japanese school girl.

- The "bitchy" girl's "best friends" are an asian and a black girl that never say a word and dress exactly how you would stereotype them...it's amazingly archaic

- The new girl, the one whose dad says "brooklynville" is the girl from How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Classic.

- Two of the characters are forced to stay into a relationship because their families have companies that might do business with each other and they want to keep it that way. Fabulous.

- The bitchy girl is a virgin if I remember correctly. A slutty, slutty virgin.

- There are no homosexuals in the Upper East Side - except for the bitchy girl's father, who left.

- Everyone drinks (underage drinks) but no one smokes. Thank you new government standards. Teach the kids that cigarettes are so not cool but drinking and flirting with 30 year old strangers is perfectly acceptable television (oh, this drinking never makes anyone sick or, so far, has any consequences except for making people, like, so much more fun)

- A fun casual shopping trip includes a stop at Bergdorf Goodman. Where you can buy this ridiculously priced outfit. I know this is perfectly acceptable for rich UESers, but I still don't have to like. Show me some smoking!

- And last but not least, the complete lacking of acting skills by all the actors and the fact that I would never ever want that to change.

.a tall building.

i'm awake
after a day when the only thing i could
think about it
was going to bed.
early.

they're filming a movie
right outside my window.

it's a new years scene
so now they're making
snow
and it's
70 degrees
right now.
it keeps melting.
so they keep making it.

it's so bright.
and no one
can sleep.

so we're all sitting in our windows.
tired.
watching the filming.

so tired.
but so fascinating.

.off the top of.

despite all my
complainings
and
negative observations

this is the cutest, most clever commercial i've ever seen.

it is so well designed.

and these (and this) posters are pretty amazing as well.

.threw my bad fortune.

when i come home from work.
i get off at west 4th on the C/E.
and i
walk down
to catch the
F.
every step down
the heat overwhelms me more.

like i'm going to the
5th circle of hell.
swamp.
but with no water.
and Hermes isn't waiting for me.
just the F train.
with it's cranky conductors.
who say things like:
"this is delancy street on the brooklyn bound F train, next stop is...next stop is...next stop is I don't know"

(if i only made these things up)