.your boy's smile.

Dear F Train:

everyone hates you.
everyone.

people who have lived here
for weeks
or
for decades.

i failed you on your report card.
and i enjoyed every moment of it.

i hate you so much.
(yet i need you everyday)
fuck you.

-me

.have done it with you.

has anyone
noticed
that
Andy Samberg
can do or say whatever he wants
now.

i think most of his stuff is
pretty funny.

but he seems so
fucking smug.

i think i would
punch him in the face
if i ever saw him eating on the street.

no hard feelings or anything.
i just would.
just...cause.

.but i'd rather.

or subtitled: why gossip girl is the best new york show, ever.

- The only areas in manhattan are apparently Upper East Side and "downtown"

- The completely non-sense reasoning behind the character's actions (dad's gay so I'm a bitch)

- The "poor" family lives in "brooklynville"

- But they live (I think) above the gallery the dad owns called Bedford Avenue Gallery

- Dad says he's sorry for his lack of money but the cost of living in that area and owning an amazing loft apartment is much more than the private school education that he's providing for his two teens

- Though with their weird timeline he would have been like 15 when he had the eldest teen

- The fact that the gothamist covers it with each episode.

- The fact that the Gothamist exposed that the bitchy girl's party was actually shot in LIC (Long Island City, Queens). Like, ewwww, Queens.

- Lonely boy Dan looks my age (and imdb check says....yes! he's only a year younger than myself)

- Suicidal brother is the only one who looks the correct age (and imdb check says...yes! he's actually 17)

- Suicidal brother is in a rehab center that always someone to easily sneak him and take him to marquee (non-ny-ers: infamously obnoxious club that has standards of entry beyond comprehension - it is also mentioned in ugly betty for being the scene of a car crash involving a donatella versace-esq woman or the worst place to take anyone straight out of rehab, the lindasy lohan effect)

- There are "uniforms" at this private school they go to which translate into any sort of variation of trendy woman/mens wear. Example: Serena wears knee high riding boots, grey shorts, a white tank top, a sort of flimsy vest and a loose tie while others may wear a gwen stefani version of japanese school girl.

- The "bitchy" girl's "best friends" are an asian and a black girl that never say a word and dress exactly how you would stereotype them...it's amazingly archaic

- The new girl, the one whose dad says "brooklynville" is the girl from How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Classic.

- Two of the characters are forced to stay into a relationship because their families have companies that might do business with each other and they want to keep it that way. Fabulous.

- The bitchy girl is a virgin if I remember correctly. A slutty, slutty virgin.

- There are no homosexuals in the Upper East Side - except for the bitchy girl's father, who left.

- Everyone drinks (underage drinks) but no one smokes. Thank you new government standards. Teach the kids that cigarettes are so not cool but drinking and flirting with 30 year old strangers is perfectly acceptable television (oh, this drinking never makes anyone sick or, so far, has any consequences except for making people, like, so much more fun)

- A fun casual shopping trip includes a stop at Bergdorf Goodman. Where you can buy this ridiculously priced outfit. I know this is perfectly acceptable for rich UESers, but I still don't have to like. Show me some smoking!

- And last but not least, the complete lacking of acting skills by all the actors and the fact that I would never ever want that to change.

.a tall building.

i'm awake
after a day when the only thing i could
think about it
was going to bed.
early.

they're filming a movie
right outside my window.

it's a new years scene
so now they're making
snow
and it's
70 degrees
right now.
it keeps melting.
so they keep making it.

it's so bright.
and no one
can sleep.

so we're all sitting in our windows.
tired.
watching the filming.

so tired.
but so fascinating.

.off the top of.

despite all my
complainings
and
negative observations

this is the cutest, most clever commercial i've ever seen.

it is so well designed.

and these (and this) posters are pretty amazing as well.

.threw my bad fortune.

when i come home from work.
i get off at west 4th on the C/E.
and i
walk down
to catch the
F.
every step down
the heat overwhelms me more.

like i'm going to the
5th circle of hell.
swamp.
but with no water.
and Hermes isn't waiting for me.
just the F train.
with it's cranky conductors.
who say things like:
"this is delancy street on the brooklyn bound F train, next stop is...next stop is...next stop is I don't know"

(if i only made these things up)

(flip record to side 1B)

i left for work.
got in the elevator with a girl.
walked out,
it was
freezy
went to the ATM
came back
and waiting for the elevator
was the same girl.
"you forget something too?"

it was just a
moment
i liked.

.lights.

New Yorkers want you
to feel like
your in an
exclusive club
with rules and ways of doing things
but in reality
it's an overpriced membership to the YMCA

.the bright.

Glad someone else wrote about this
because
I thought I was crazy
for thinking the
same.

Week in Review
Curbside, We’ll Never Have Paris
By FRANK BRUNI
Published: September 30, 2007
New York cafes, where the elbows on your table aren’t
necessarily yours

.now turn on.

okay,
here it is
me being tired of being stoic
tired of pretending it's all okay
i'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired
to use an old saying.

i'm on this island.
will all sorts of ways of
coming
and going.
and millions of people.

i have no friends.
i have a job
(not even a job)
that has a great name
and i
essentially
fucking hate it.

i'm a shell at work.
i'm a shell when i get home.
i'm always tired
and i have nothing to say

but i'm tired of playing devil's advocate
in my own life.

there are a million things to do in this city.
but when you're miserable
and alone
you don't want to do a single one.
you want to curl up in bed and cry.
but then you'll feel bad about crying.
there i go again, playing both sides.

my friends don't call me.
god forbid they move beyond the computer screen.
and the ones that do, they don't want to hear this crap.

so many miserable people just want to give up and die.

i just want to live.

i've been alive 22 years and sometimes I feel like I haven't lived a single day of my life.

.it's up to me.

in this blog
subtitled: life vs. MTA

today

the MTA won.

.somehow i'm not impressed.

dear dan deacon:

go away

forever!

-me

.i know you've supported me for a long time.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
is speaking at
Columbia
which people think is a mistake
he's allowed to.
should universities only have
speakers
who are liberal or butt buddies to Bush?

Columbia's Public Affairs dean
John Coatsworth
said he'd invite Hilter to
engage in
debate.

a debate is, oddly enough
you idiots
a count-counterpoint.
that means one person has one opinion
the other person has the opposite.
a debate is not an
agreement.

Hilter thought the slaughtering of Jews and gays and others
was
just okay in his book.
Ahmadinejad didn't think it happened.

I disagree with both.
I'd be open to a debate.

.and the pavements, they are a mess.

i went to central park
the gardens by 106th
and they're cute
and i was walking uphill
when, in a second,
it started to pour.

i stood under a tree.
with some runners
but who knew when it would end.
so kept walking
up the dirt mounds.

and getting some great photos.

and the rain let up.
and then it didn't - it started again.

so i stood there at the mount sinai
nursing building.
getting dry.
then i gave up.
and walked and walked in the rain
(no,
it was only 6 blocks)

and i was soaked.
but i got some great photos.

.a porno.

so there's this
guy
animal
thing
who lives across the street
and stands outside
and makes that
about-to-hock-a-loogie
noise every 30 minutes
and i have the windows
open
because it's
nice
outside.
dear guy, animal, thing: stop it.
if i hear it
one more time
i will vomit
and lean out the window
and it will land on you.
so,
for the sack of all
stop it.

.subway she is.

finally, comes me
complaining
about the price of things
in this city.
this island.
this capital of capital.

what's the point
of everything being so
expensive?

a six dollar coffee.
a fifteen dollar cocktail.

it's creating an island
of elitism.
a place only a
few
can play and scoff at everyone
else.

(and don't be naive enough to think it isn't happening in the bronx or brooklyn or queens - as for staten island...where is that again?)

isolated from the real world.
i've seen it.
in action.
the social circles.
unaware of the
poverty
and heartache
of other places.
not saying one should walk around
sad
and crying.
but just realizing there is more to life
than
parties
and socializing.
and climbing that proverbal ladder.

these page 6 people
these new york social diary people
drive these costs up.
they pay the six dollars for coffee.
they pay the fifteen for a cocktail.
so nothing changes.
the prices just go up.

when a studio apartment costs $2,400 a month.
there is something wrong.
there shouldn't just be a cap on these things
for people who can't afford it
but for those who need a reality check.

maybe we'll be lucky enough
to go back in time
and scream
"greed is good"
i can't wait for that new york to come back.

.fly down to mexico.

rant?
so, living in manhattan, i've seen a few famous people or at least people who think they're famous and really just know for something stupid like being on America's Next Top Model. big success...weeee.

anyways, earlier this week i was walking next to Famke Janssen and her boston terrior (which was soooooo cute and really much more interesting). i loved her in eulogy but i sorta felt awful because here i am, like worn and tired from a long day at work and a size 10 and she's walking next to me thin and beautiful and twice my age. and she's walking her dog! not fair famous beautiful people!
actors and actress should only look good on screen but be normal people when you see them in real life.
no, they're beautiful in real life too. not fair. some of us are normal and...yeah.

and last night i was at a party with Rosario Dawson (i know, me! come on!) and she's so fucking pretty it made me sick. no. no. no. don't be beautiful, be average. it's not fair.
damn them!

so stop being beautiful. because, it makes me look bad.
(if you didn't get the irony in that last sentence, you shouldn't be reading this)

.in my life.

i saw the
sadest
thing the other day
on the
yes
subway....
a young
thin
nervous-looking woman
got on.
she had bruises
all over her arms
like someone
grabbed
her.
and looked like she had been pushed around a bit in her life.
she was reading
a romance novel.
falling into it.
falling in love with it.
and i thought that was so
sad.

.change.

i'm also
admittedly
scared
of next tuesday.
i know
nothing
will happen.
but i'm still...
nervous would be the best word.

.got to be some more.

from my moleskin,
written the other day,
during the
switchboard problem:

"of all the things
in
the world, i
wish
i wasn't
stuck
on the
C train
under the east river."

for the 30 minutes,
under water.
on the day i was already
late
and took
the wrong
train,
because i was late.