.subway she is.

finally, comes me
complaining
about the price of things
in this city.
this island.
this capital of capital.

what's the point
of everything being so
expensive?

a six dollar coffee.
a fifteen dollar cocktail.

it's creating an island
of elitism.
a place only a
few
can play and scoff at everyone
else.

(and don't be naive enough to think it isn't happening in the bronx or brooklyn or queens - as for staten island...where is that again?)

isolated from the real world.
i've seen it.
in action.
the social circles.
unaware of the
poverty
and heartache
of other places.
not saying one should walk around
sad
and crying.
but just realizing there is more to life
than
parties
and socializing.
and climbing that proverbal ladder.

these page 6 people
these new york social diary people
drive these costs up.
they pay the six dollars for coffee.
they pay the fifteen for a cocktail.
so nothing changes.
the prices just go up.

when a studio apartment costs $2,400 a month.
there is something wrong.
there shouldn't just be a cap on these things
for people who can't afford it
but for those who need a reality check.

maybe we'll be lucky enough
to go back in time
and scream
"greed is good"
i can't wait for that new york to come back.

.fly down to mexico.

rant?
so, living in manhattan, i've seen a few famous people or at least people who think they're famous and really just know for something stupid like being on America's Next Top Model. big success...weeee.

anyways, earlier this week i was walking next to Famke Janssen and her boston terrior (which was soooooo cute and really much more interesting). i loved her in eulogy but i sorta felt awful because here i am, like worn and tired from a long day at work and a size 10 and she's walking next to me thin and beautiful and twice my age. and she's walking her dog! not fair famous beautiful people!
actors and actress should only look good on screen but be normal people when you see them in real life.
no, they're beautiful in real life too. not fair. some of us are normal and...yeah.

and last night i was at a party with Rosario Dawson (i know, me! come on!) and she's so fucking pretty it made me sick. no. no. no. don't be beautiful, be average. it's not fair.
damn them!

so stop being beautiful. because, it makes me look bad.
(if you didn't get the irony in that last sentence, you shouldn't be reading this)

.in my life.

i saw the
sadest
thing the other day
on the
yes
subway....
a young
thin
nervous-looking woman
got on.
she had bruises
all over her arms
like someone
grabbed
her.
and looked like she had been pushed around a bit in her life.
she was reading
a romance novel.
falling into it.
falling in love with it.
and i thought that was so
sad.

.change.

i'm also
admittedly
scared
of next tuesday.
i know
nothing
will happen.
but i'm still...
nervous would be the best word.

.got to be some more.

from my moleskin,
written the other day,
during the
switchboard problem:

"of all the things
in
the world, i
wish
i wasn't
stuck
on the
C train
under the east river."

for the 30 minutes,
under water.
on the day i was already
late
and took
the wrong
train,
because i was late.

.cares.

dear astoria,
beware.
you're next.
you thought they'd stop at brooklyn?
sincerely,
me.

ps: i'm told astoria is in a magical place called queens, but i've never heard of it.

.new york.

observational fact:
people take cabs
at night
not because
it's dangerous
or scary
but because with the
MTA service changes
you have no idea
how
to get home.

why do i have to go to
brooklyn if i'm going uptown?
it doesn't make
any
sense.

what train?
on what track?
huh?

.i'm not impressed.

also
i think
strand bookstore
is
USELESS

unknowledgable
L-liners
with nothing better to do
then say
look in this/that section
(wave hand and look bored)

come on new york
this
is your alternative to
B&N?!?!

.somehow.

it's odd
how
you can
travel and travel
miles and miles
without ever seeing the
sky



a while ago:
i was picking up a print
for work
uptown
and i sat there on the 6
across from a couple
my age
they were quiet in
coversation
the man/boy
teared up
and it was obvious
the woman/girl
had said
i don't love you anymore.

my heart broke
right there
on the 6 uptown.

.for a long time.

something i wrote
a while ago
in my moleskin:

"one of the oddest sights i've ever seen is the 7 train coming slowly down the f track carrying the old graffitted cars down the track with cars of trahs cans with wta workers inside the old cars asleep after a long day and it was only 11:30, but it seemed so much later and it seemed so empty and it seemed so lonely. even though it was not. even though i was surrounded by people and students having a much better time that i much better than realizing the ??? in the old subway car travelling down the wrong track with people aslepe and trash inside. i do nothing."

the oddest part
was how beautiful it seemed.

.you've supported me.

finally
something to give
people
something to talk about
the weather
the flooding
the delays
the traffic
the subways
(or lack there of)
the walks
the heat
finally
i love talking about
the weather
interesting.
so interesting, eh?

so people,
stop talking about the weather.
stop throwing your
trash
in the tracks.
it clogs the drains
and floods the tracks
or it catches on fireand delays the train.
you fucking
pigs.

don't you
know
we can't get anywhere
on time
without
the subway.

something i always
knew.

i left early.
my commute takes me
to and from the only parts of
the island
that had running trains

i had time to
sit
and eat breakfast.

sorry?

.i know.

today was such a
new york
day.

it was hot
but not
sticky.

i had to go to cartier
for work
yes
had
to go.

on madison avenue
(not the fifth avenue one)
so i walked down
madison avenue
and looked in all the stores

no matter what my
morals are
jimmy choos are
pretty
so what?
i'm smart
and
i like
shoes.
shoes are awesome.
and pain you.

anyways
on madison
a guy
in an italian suit
on his bluetooth
walkin against the light
got hit by a car
screech
slam
he fell down
and then
got up
and
walked away.
we were shaken.
he
was not.

then i was walking back
to work.
and kids had broken open
a fire hydrant.
and were dancing
in the water.

then i walked
through
a movie set.
and there were trailors
everywhere
and people
everywhere
and i just wanted to get to work.

then i went home.
hi inky.

.they are a mess.

I long for
this
city
that I live in.

.and the pavements.

i can't concentrate
on
anything.

i've just been watching
south park
and
fucking around on
facebook.

at the end of the
day
i'm just so tired
and want my
mind
to go
blank.

i don't want to watch movies
(and i
always
want to watch movies)
or read
(although i
devoured deathly hollows in a
weekend.
there are rows
and rows
of people reading it on the subway
young
old
everyone, i recognize
that grey and yellow cover and jacket
so easily
stupid muggles who don't understand)

but i feel like shit.
like a blob.
and last week
was so great
and i keep thinking about it
instead of trying to be it
instead of living,
i'm replaying.

how frustrating.
stupid subway.

.i know your part will go fine.

I'm writing this at work (just 15 more minutes).
Quickly minimizing the screen every few moments.
But a word:

Fuck everyone who said or jokes about New Yorkers "over reacted" to the pipe exploding.
I wasn't there. I was in teh subway when it happened but imagine this.
You live in New York.
You're in midtown (which is already crowded and chaotic on a normal day).
You're near a train station when you hear an explosion and see smoke rising from the ground and debris everywhere.
You remember what that paranoid guy at the Department of Homeland Security said.
Yeah, you're going to panic.
You're going to freak out for awhile.
And someone had a heart attack and died.

It's okay to panic.

I was at a co-workers place in TriBeCa. You could see everything from the roof. The entire island. And you turned around and saw the cranes at the WTC site. And you see planes all the time flying by. And yeah, you don't go into some sort of panic, but its scary.
The terrorists didn't win if I get a little paranoid about a couple of things. They don't care. It happens. I get scared. I get scared by bugs when I see them but I don't think they've won against my life and are controlling me. I don't stand there and think, "I'm not going to let you win".
It runs away and I forget about it.

And that's life.
So shut the fuck up anyone who says New Yorkers were over-reacting, especially if they are non-New Yorkers. You have no idea.

.the subway is a porno.

What perfect timing
for this lyric
to
pop
up.

Yesterday morning
no one was on the subway
no one was in the stations
no one was talking
no one was reading
no one was drifting off

everyone
who was there
stood there, on guard

It was perfectly creepy.

.tom get your plane right on time.

So S&G will be my regular posts.
Because I don't always think in free verse.
Or whatever you call it.

So, I'm part of the working world. I go to work every day. I leave my apartment at 8:50 and my job starts at 9:30. I leave work at 5:30. I usually eat lunch at my desk finishing my work.

I have to take two local trains to get to work and then I walk several blocks. It's only two short trips. But I never get to sit down and I really don't have time to read. Which sucks. If it was one long trip, I could get a chapter at least. But I can't. I stand there. With strangers. And I never see the same people ever day. You think I would, but I don't.

We're all packed in like sardines. Standing there avoiding eye contact. Pretending not to notice each other. Pretending not to be uncomfortable. Especially not comfortable touching each other in ways that are so very wrong.

And I saw this woman who had to be at least 45 and she was gothed out. Dark black makeup, black nail/tow polish and all black clothing. I thought to myself, "Wow, aren't you too old for this?" and I didn't think about until today.

Are we (and know this is a really sophomoric things to talk about but I haven't lived it until now) supose to get old and start dressing in pant suits and in navy blue and black? Is that growing up....Are the people who "stick" to this acutally just aware of who they are and won't compromise? Or, of course, they could just be really delusional and have some serious mental issues.

I can't mock her. I secretly wish I could be like that but I also want to be posh and fabulous and people think amazingly of me, even though I'm not.

Um, I got distracted.....

.training myself not to care.

what
a
shit day

no
it wasn't
for the first time
in a long time
i woke up wide awake
and happy
and refreshed

and i went to work
happy
and refreshed

then i went to meet people
i'd never met before
but couldn't find them
because
i'd never met them

so i went to get on the train
F
and it never came
and the mta
person/thing/voice
was saying
something
that
no one
could understand

so i waited
and then just got on the
B
at least i think
which was packed
more than rush hour

with smelly
fat
gross
people
so smelly

and it took forever
and i had to get off
at grand
which is not fun
to say the least

and walked
after the
longest
smelliest ride ever

what did i do wrong?

.lonely nights.

remember
she said to herself
as she walked in the door

you'll be lonely
always,
no matter what city you are in.

.of spending these.

what a shit day
couldn't do anything
or anything right

i had intern tasks to do
copy
get
stuff
listen to my bosses talk about what was wrong about the position of my job
great
'cause i'm just an assistant
without pay

i was asked to go
make copies
of a book
at noon
but that i should do it
tomorrow
so i sat there
with something to do
tomorrow

i sat there
staring at the computer
pretending to do something
but i was really
reading/responding
to the same e-mail
over
and
over again.

then i was asked
to do something i'd never done
and i know i
fucked
it up
and people will come in tomorrow
and everyone will
know
i
fucked
up.
fuck.