.i swear.

Since I'm home sick today and have been receiving endless catalogs of holiday crap I thought I'd take the time to compile my favorites items for sale. Items that have no redeeming qualities and should not exist (so much so that I'm not even including links to them):

1. The Personalized Branding Iron
Do you get one for everybody you might be cooking for as to indicate the owner of said steaks? Can you brand other things like chicken, pork, or Mr. Bojangles?

--------------------

2. The Pizza Pro
I honestly cannot comprehend how someone might find it so difficult to use a pizza cutter and spatula/fork to cut a pizza slice and put it on your plate. Maybe they're like safety scissors and it prevents special people from making special boo-boos. Maybe I'm too stupid to welcome this great technological breakthrough into my life. I shall live the rest of my life with my cobweb filled record collections and my Philco 90.

--------------------

3. The Slanket
Sadly Forbes decided the inventor of this product was some sort of "genius" for being lazy and not paying his heating bills or buying a sweatshirt (it cramps my style, yo). Because there is nothing sexier than curling up at night with the one you love in a giant poncho. Or anything manlier than going to a, let's say, Eagles game, with your beer and your Slanket. "That was a great play...hhhhey Bob, what'ja got there?" "Oh this! This is my Slanket" "Wow Bob, I'm sorry I missed that great touchdown. Say, does it come in green?" "Hahaha, yes Joe, it sure does"

--------------------

4. Chi Chi Chihuahua Figurine
I know exactly the type of person who owns this. They live in my hometown and their home smells like mothballs, cheap potpourri and cat litter (as the tchockie's plot their owner's doom).

--------------------

5. This Toilet Seat Cover Set
After laughing for about 10 minutes, I got worried that someone thought this was a good idea. I wonder if the person who designed it is like, "Damn! I'm so proud to have something I made out there and on the market" or do you think it's a fat guy smoking cigars in a basement of the Chinese factory?

--------------------

6. 100 Storybooks on DVD
Mo Rocca is great. I think he is just so smart and funny - I love listening to him on Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me and watching his commentary on Sunday Morning. But it's when he said (on some commentary thing) that "Reading Rainbow taught kids that the only way to read is by watching TV because it's just not as good in book form" is when I really fell in love with him (yes I know he's totally gay!). Seriously, JUST READ TO YOUR FUCKING CHILDREN! Pick up a book, look at the words, pronounce them, done!

--------------------

7. Electric Paper Plane Launcher
What's educational about this? Oh, I know, it teaches children to use even less muscle and depend on technology and gizmos for everything. It's being sold at Urban Outfitters indicating it as an "ironic" item but I still just find it so, so sad.

Of course, going through this all almost guarantees that my father will inevitably be giving me one of these items for my birthday or Christmas. So, thanks Dad, in advance.

.go all the way.

New F trains are coming?!
Like the R, 6 & L trains.
No more ugly colors.
Less sitting room.
Less places to hold onto.
Computerized stop indicator.
Automatic voice!
Stand clear of the closing doors please
(which my cousin could imitate perfectly by the age of 8)
No more of that one conductor
on my morning commute who
says DeLANNNNcy
in the most nasalized voice ever.
Or the one who sounds like he
swallowed a bale of hay and
yells
"stand clear of the door!!!!!!"
when there are only like 10 people on the train.

*wipes forhead*

I am so looking
forward
to less smells
and cleaner
cars.
Sorry to those people
who
LOVE the old Times Square
and will hate the less
"gritty"
cars. Get over it.
You overly nostalgic,
crassholes.
If all apartments in the city
were cockroach-free
you'd complain about that too.
live under the BQE if you miss
that crap so much.

.is a beauty.

I don't understand my neighbors.
There,
I said it.
I just don't get them.

First, the mother who does
nothing
but yell
at her "quiet as a mouse" son.

Second, the Italian models
(well, I don't know if they are models but they smoke a lot of pot, have odd hours and are very thin and pretty).
There was some confusion
of who actually
lived there,
a rotating door of random people.
And all yesterday they watched
Lord of the Rings
on the highest volume.

AND THIRD, that new older Chinese couple.
What are you cooking?!
It smells awful!
And at all times!
All times.
Stop it.
I have to
cover my nose
when I walk by
and try not to vomit in the hallway.
Cause, you know, you don't want to be
that neighbor.
Then they had a fight this morning,
I hear a pan thunk
and then silence.

Now I really need to avoid them.

.the guy in the dress.

Where and how I celebrated Tuesday night (and also sitting there shocked, not shown):

(thanks Greg!)

.welfare hotel.

It's still real.
It's real!

Then Bloomberg says You'll be paying more taxes!
Then Paterson says We're cutting necessary programs!

And I want
to hit
my head
against the table
just
a
little
more....

.in front of that.

Our new First Family!

I'm afraid someone will pinch me,
and it'll all be over.

I can't think about it.
I can't wrap my head around it.
It's real.
I saw it.
It's real.

The celebration, the crying, the hugging.
In the streets, with strangers and with friends.
I've never seen before.

Manhattan: 85% Obama
Brooklyn: 79% Obama
Queens: 74% Obama
Bronx: 88% Obama (highest in the state)
Staten Island: 52% McCain (seriously?!)

2,329,153 in the city of New York (pop. 8,274,527) voted yesterday.
(some waiting in line for over 3 hours!)

Sweet!

.well he's out.

I'm a jumble
of nerves.

I can't concentrate.

I'm nervous.
I'm excited.
I'm worried.
I'm proud.
I'm ready!

*collapses at desk in exhaustion*

.in the sweater's off duty.

I don't think Michael Bloomberg is a bad man. I don't think he's necessarily a bad mayor. Is he the best? No. Actually, thinking back and reading up on my New York history, none of them have been that great. Sure, they've all had areas that they improved on, but usually at the expense of others.

Those not in New York might not realize it's a huge topic here but nobody here is really talking about it. Mostly because it arises so much passion on each side that no one wants to alienate their friends, neighbors, relatives, etc. The weirdest part, at least to me, is that it doesn't cut down party lines, or socio-economical lines or race lines or anything - it's like this new uncharted territory. Although New Yorkers have voted against it....twice, this time is apparently different. Well, not really. Just Bloomberg saying it's not that he wants to stay, it's that we need him to stay. We do?

To a city that is home to 8 million people his most well known "achievements" have been banning smoking mostly everywhere, encouraging recycling and bicycling, and banning trans fats. A city of 8 million! This is stuff that works in a commune on a farm in Vermont - not New York. Sure, I think they're sort of cool - that he's trying to make New York a more healthy and eco-friendly city but imposing taxes that forces addicted smokers to cough up (pun!) $10 a pack is not helping anyone - it's making it a government run state similar to some sort of dystopian. Have you seen how expensive those drugs to help you quit are?!? Banning trans fats is sort of stupid. I know you can educate people on this stuff and there is just so much an advertising campaign can accomplish but it just seems...wrong to force this down our throats (pun #2!).

At first I didn't care what each representative in the city thought of term limits because I honestly thought that it would go to vote. That maybe it would make it on the ballot for this Tuesday. But it didn't. This morning, it was passed; allowing Bloomberg to run again. I guess it would be a good time for people to come against it and vote against him when the time comes. But they won't. Each of the prospective candidates that would have run next year are on the city council and not one of them would go up against Bloomberg. You'd have to be an idiot and say goodbye to your future career in New York politics. So next year, Bloomberg will invest in millions to "campaign" and plead with us why it's so important for him to stay in office. He will win and will “lead” this city for another term.

I'm against changing the rules for yourself (I’d like to no longer pay taxes, I’ll write that down, thanks!) I'm against not asking the people. I'm against forcing those people between a rock and hard place. I'm against three term mayors. I'm against blatant disrespect for the rules (mmm...what other powerful American politican did this and has yet to get in trouble...mmmm).

In the years since he's been mayor (and yeah I haven't been here even half of it) rents and the cost of living has soared but, yes, crime rates have declined (jeez, I come from Baltimore, comparatively, they're practically non-existent). To me, and I think most people, those are to two most important issues to a New Yorker. Shelter and protection. The cost of living in New York is the highest in the United States and the 22nd in the world (Moscow is oddly, at least to me, the most expensive). Rent in most places this year has slightly gone down but the cost of a Harlem (the cheapest place to live in Manhattan) studio per month is $1,278.

The average person in the United States spends 1/4 of their income on housing. In New York it's been estimated at 3/4. That person in Harlem who has to pay let's say about $3,800 a year in basic utilities and services (heating, AC, cable/internet/phone, MTA – to get to their job) would have to make ~$19k a year just to cover their cost of living. In the average world that person should be making $76k a year. In the magical fucked up-ness of New York living, that person is making $25k. (These are my calculations and I'm at work, so I apologize if they're slightly off - I like rounding up/down as well).

Harlem's population is about 118,000. Michael Bloomberg's personal wealth has risen $8.5 billion this year to an estimated $20 billion making him the 8th richest American. Bloomberg, with his earnings from this year alone could give every resident in Harlem $72,033. Every resident in Manhattan $5,247. Every resident of New York City $1,027. And every resident of the metro area $430. And he'd still have $11.5 billion left to his name.

So if you think trickle down economics is good and that Obama’s “spreading the wealth” is bad. Move to 125th Street my friend.

This is the biggest reason I’m against Bloomberg. He talks nice (a little nasally) and looks nice and has a nice story but I’m sorry, I think he’s done jack squat for most New Yorkers. I think he’s ignored Brooklyn, Queens, Bronx and Staten Island . Manhattan’s borough president is Scott Stringer. He doesn’t have to worry about Brooklyn, Queens, Bronx and Staten Island. The mayor of New York….does. New York City is not the Upper East Side or the Financial District. It’s Woodside, Riverdale, Elmhurst, Fox Hills Bed-Stuy, Coney Island, Morningside Heights, Astoria, Long Island City, Grasmere, Roosevelt Island, Bedford Park, Fordham, Flatbush, Pigtown, Woodlawn and Rockaway Park.

So ask yourself again Mayor Bloomberg, are you ready to lead this city, this entire city for another term and commit yourself the bettering of this city and its people? If you have just one doubt in your mind I ask you to think again.

Sources: here, here, and here (there are others, I'll post them when I can)

.well that guy.

That following things
will be
free
on Election Day
if you vote:
- A tall cup of coffee (Starbucks)
- A disgusting doughnut (Krispy Kreme)
- A tiny scoop of ice cream (Ben & Jerry's)
- An appetizer (MoBay Uptown, Harlem)
- A chicken sandwich (some Chick-Fil-A's)
- A pre-proceeded chicken meal (something called Shane's Rib Shack)
- A cup of coffee (Eat'N Park - which I only know exists because of an ex-boyfriend)
and most importantly...
- A Maverick (hilariously named and for the men) or a Silver Bullet (for the women) at Babeland in Brooklyn

.right off his perch.

Dear People of New York/The Earth,
1) No, I do not eat a ton of Chinese food because I like in Chinatown. Have you walked around the real Chinatown? Nothing is in English and I'm a vegetarian - bad combination. I actually eat a lot of Mexican food which is delivered by Chinese people. But thanks for asking (?)

and

2) I know I have a big fat ass. You don't have to tell me. You definitely don't have to yell it to me across 8th Avenue and have everyone on the street turn and look at it. But thanks for the thought (?)

.’bout to fall.

Oh man,
look at Christine Quinn
she's so going to kill
Bloomberg.

She so wanted to be mayor
(and I thought she'd be)
now he's gone and
fucked it all up.

It's okay Christine,
you can lez it up next time.

(original video here)

.that boy.

I should finish my thoughts on the election, but.....

This,
is the only thing on my mind.

“We play in a tough town to play in, and I’m proud of that,” said Pat Burrell, the longest-tenured Phillie, whose leadoff double in the seventh started the winning rally. “I’m proud to say I play here. I don’t think anybody in here understands the way the city and the people think more than I do. To be able to hand this over to them is as good as it gets.”

One big old, hooray!

.of festival brandy.

8:08pm
I don't know how I feel about this Barack Obama infomercial thing.
I'm actually thinking I'm against it....

.half pint.

I think (know) I've mentioned
before
but I'm a bit of a
Anglophile.

So reading about
this scandal
made me
well,
think....damn,
they don't have that
first amendment
over there.

Hate to be the boarish
American,
but,
jeez, stop being such prudes.

.whiskey in church.

I'm alive!

Sort of.
Frustrated and tired.

I promise to update.
Please come back to me....

I am tempting you with this adorable image.

.sacco drinking.

still crazy at work
(fuck! it's only tuesday)
so, here are some links:

• Yes We Can (hold babies)
• Cat love, hardcore.
• Actually, people who watch the debates already have their minds made up....
• This was a fun (and Obama-crazed) event on Sunday.
• Isn't this cool?
• And isn't this cute?
• I'm listening to this is chill me out...it makes me want to live in a slow motion montage.
  

(sorry)

since work is
eating my soul
and
making me question life in general
post will be
- sad
and
- infrequent

and keep thinking of
things to write about
but
i just forget them
and space out.

sigh.

.on a sunday.

Still down
blue
but
Inky helps.

Anywho,
it's stories like this
and that maple syrup smell
(which is gross, I hate maple syrup - viva la buttermilk smell!)
that make me smitten with
the
randomness of this city.

(image from Engrish Funny BUT is this actually around the corner from me and I have chuckled at it every time I walk by)

.’bout four in the morning.

Right now I'm
not depressed but
melancholy
like this city at night
will swallow me
whole.

I guess I had too much
time to think
in the cab home
(seriously, from 76th and Riverside Drive you should not have to go through the Lincoln Center, Times Square, Herald Square & Bleecker Street - you sir, cabbie, I hate you)

.what i'm doing now.

Dude,
I don't even know where
I've been
for the last week.

(wanders off in a nightgown)