.i swear.

Since I'm home sick today and have been receiving endless catalogs of holiday crap I thought I'd take the time to compile my favorites items for sale. Items that have no redeeming qualities and should not exist (so much so that I'm not even including links to them):

1. The Personalized Branding Iron
Do you get one for everybody you might be cooking for as to indicate the owner of said steaks? Can you brand other things like chicken, pork, or Mr. Bojangles?

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2. The Pizza Pro
I honestly cannot comprehend how someone might find it so difficult to use a pizza cutter and spatula/fork to cut a pizza slice and put it on your plate. Maybe they're like safety scissors and it prevents special people from making special boo-boos. Maybe I'm too stupid to welcome this great technological breakthrough into my life. I shall live the rest of my life with my cobweb filled record collections and my Philco 90.

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3. The Slanket
Sadly Forbes decided the inventor of this product was some sort of "genius" for being lazy and not paying his heating bills or buying a sweatshirt (it cramps my style, yo). Because there is nothing sexier than curling up at night with the one you love in a giant poncho. Or anything manlier than going to a, let's say, Eagles game, with your beer and your Slanket. "That was a great play...hhhhey Bob, what'ja got there?" "Oh this! This is my Slanket" "Wow Bob, I'm sorry I missed that great touchdown. Say, does it come in green?" "Hahaha, yes Joe, it sure does"

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4. Chi Chi Chihuahua Figurine
I know exactly the type of person who owns this. They live in my hometown and their home smells like mothballs, cheap potpourri and cat litter (as the tchockie's plot their owner's doom).

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5. This Toilet Seat Cover Set
After laughing for about 10 minutes, I got worried that someone thought this was a good idea. I wonder if the person who designed it is like, "Damn! I'm so proud to have something I made out there and on the market" or do you think it's a fat guy smoking cigars in a basement of the Chinese factory?

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6. 100 Storybooks on DVD
Mo Rocca is great. I think he is just so smart and funny - I love listening to him on Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me and watching his commentary on Sunday Morning. But it's when he said (on some commentary thing) that "Reading Rainbow taught kids that the only way to read is by watching TV because it's just not as good in book form" is when I really fell in love with him (yes I know he's totally gay!). Seriously, JUST READ TO YOUR FUCKING CHILDREN! Pick up a book, look at the words, pronounce them, done!

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7. Electric Paper Plane Launcher
What's educational about this? Oh, I know, it teaches children to use even less muscle and depend on technology and gizmos for everything. It's being sold at Urban Outfitters indicating it as an "ironic" item but I still just find it so, so sad.

Of course, going through this all almost guarantees that my father will inevitably be giving me one of these items for my birthday or Christmas. So, thanks Dad, in advance.